Slump
even writing this post takes me 10 years
i hope you’re reading this under a nice spring breeze. i unfortunately got a late weather patch update so the temperature had dropped back down to below 5°C. with the sun being out and apple flowers beginning to bloom like white snow on the branches, the whole world is stirring but the city doesn’t know it yet. and frankly, so does my motivation.
as the year is in full force, i see a lot of people begin to wrap up their projects. these could be a new manuscript they had been grinding away since the end of 2024 or a new launch project that had been brewing for even longer. as much as i love seeing them bearing fruits, my mind decides to take a more toxic route and wonders why i haven’t been able to do anything since the start of this year.
sometimes i blame the universe.
at the end of march, i waited for the partial solar eclipse (is it still called ‘partial’ if the moon took like… 1% of a bite out of the sun?) like it would magically heal me. i waited for a snap to happen, like in the next second i would open my third eye and rise from the slumber to start drafting like i could complete my current project by tomorrow. that clearly didn’t happen.
i have good days, i must admit that. there are times where i hit my target goal and i feel like the biggest person in the world. and then there are moments where i couldn’t bring myself to type out a word. not even a single one. not even a bad one. just one word. any. as my hands hovered on the keyboard, i made a cardinal mistake that is so often committed by any writers — i started editing.
now up to this point, one might say: Solar! girl, stop comparing yourself to others. comparison is the thief of joy. well, let me paint you a different picture:
above is my writing log from March 22nd to March 27th. as you can see, the word count per day is REALLY not that bad, great even. but i kept going back to remove chapters so my overall word count kept decreasing. i remembered joking that i might be the only person who kept writing and the book kept getting smaller. needless to say, i had no clue how i would bring this book to the finish line.
i know, i need to be put down.
in times like this, scrolling back up is a blessing and a curse, because this is my progress in 2024.
so what is the truth here? well, the truth is that i could do anything if i’m crazy enough. it’s not like the source of my tragedy is because i’m a slow writer or that i’m setting myself up for an unrealistic goal. i have had good and bad days and i had 0-word days and i had days where i deleted everything i wrote the previous day. but i have always made progress. July 23rd to August 16th is less than a month and 35k is a solid fucking number. so when i realise i have not been living up to my own standard, i just feel exhausted.
here’s the thing, we don’t exist in a vacuum. things changed. you may not but the world around you has (and, like, even if you think ‘but nothing in my life changes,’ politics can also put you in a slump. being able to read the news is sometimes a mistake). i was in a very different place in early 2024, for better or worse. if anyone had read my 2024 writing wrapped, you’d remember that i was running on pure spite to churn out another book. well, i’m not in that place anymore. let’s say i didn’t become lazy, ‘cause god knows i’m not, i can’t judge myself independently from external factors. life simply doesn’t work that way.
and contrary to common belief, i don’t think taking time off would necessarily fix the problem i’m facing.
what i can do is turn down the fire before i burn the outside to crisp while the inside is not even cooked (just squint, you’d understand this metaphor). what i can do is to continue engaging with the craft by reading books, by branching out to other media, by writing, even random stuff. like this damn blog.
progress is progress. 1% is progress.
progress is progress, even if it’s not a linear STONK! graph.
but to really lift myself out of the slump, something needs to be changed. no, it’s not to “write more!!” when you can’t write more. it’s my mindset (cue hustle-culture-bros-theme-song). as long as i think that this is a slump, it won’t get better. because in my head, i’d have to jump out of a hole and i’ve never been very good at high jump. but i can repurpose this moment. i could think of it as a water stop on my marathon (because writing and publishing is a marathon) and i’m simply refueling. you know, i’m a firm believer that if you haven’t experienced life enough, you shouldn’t be writing. it’s harsh, i know, but i internalise this on my own self too. so instead i will view the times i’m not writing as the times i’m soaking up life experiences. literature is a reflection of life and i’m just gathering more things to put in front of mirror.
to be a better writer, i also need to be a wiser person. and if i can’t be a wiser person then at least let me learn the nuances of life before i am launched in my echo chamber (my book) and have my monologue.
i’m writing this not because i know the way out and i’m just whispering my gospel to you. i’m still very much at the deep end of the slump, but all these dramatic feelings deserve a way out. i’m still learning after all.
things i’m reading
Local Heavens by K.M. Fajardo (ARC)
Silk: A World History by Aarathi Prasad
Tết ở Làng Địa Ngục by Thảo Trang
things i’m putting on repeat
Honeycomb by KAWALA
Show Me Love by WizTheMc, bees&honey
boys beware by Mad Tsai
BAAM by MOMOLAND
Insane by BTOB
Khế Ước by The Flob, Hà Lê, CHIN
as you’re working your way out of a slump, remember to live too.
You know just how much I needed to see this. Yes, publishing and writing is a marathon. Yes, sometimes you just need to refuel and live life.